Wednesday, July 8, 2009

A Sailor's Guide to Safety - Sometime in 07

As we all know, safety aboard a sailboat is vitally important. One must have the appropriate number of PFD’s, floating seat cushions, a horn, and a fire extinguisher, as well as proper shoes and gloves. At sea, one must also include jacklines, safety harnesses, a liferaft and an EPIRB. And of course, everyone who spends time on a boat must be familiar with man overboard procedures. You might think to yourself, “Check! All safe here!” But you’d be wrong.

You see, there’s much more involved in a safe and happy boating experience than just your regular old everyday safety precautions. Sailors for hundreds and hundreds of years have been practicing additional safety measures that you won’t find in any Coast Guard Safety Manual. And since the Coast Guard doesn’t see fit to advise you of these additional safety measures, I feel it’s my nautical duty, as a fellow sailor, to do so.

The first step is in the planning of your next sail. While it might seem a good idea to head for the boat when you get off work and go for a little late afternoon cruise, you must first consider what day it is. An afternoon sail is perfectly acceptable as long as it doesn’t happen to be the 1st Monday in April, 2nd Monday in August, 31st of December, 13th of any month or any given Friday. Very bad luck will befall you and/or your vessel if you depart on one of these days. Bad things happened on all these days (worse than any other day apparently) and rumor has it Josh Slocum began his last fateful sail on a Friday.

As you’re making your way down the dock, cross your fingers that you don’t encounter a woman, a preacher, or a redhead. Surely the only thing worse would be a female red-haired preacher. However, this unlucky sign can be countered by speaking to the individual before they speak to you. If they speak to you first, it would be advisable to reverse yourself and set sail another time.

If date allows and you’ve made it safely to your boat without any meeting mishaps, be sure you don’t ruin the preparations thus far by boarding your boat left foot first. This would be very bad. Always board with your right foot first.

It is also advisable, when packing your gear in a bag of any color but black, to take aboard a black cat. A black cat, while bad luck elsewhere, is a guarantee of good luck aboard a boat. However, care should be taken not to anger or offend the beast as an angry flick of his tale can summon powerful storms.

So let’s see, where are we? Safely aboard the boat with your black cat contentedly napping in the sun while you prepare for your journey. Begin preparations for your sail by first placing at least one coin (preferable a gold piece but as those are rather hard to come by these days, a silver dollar might work nearly as well) under the mast. This is the fee for your crossing of the River Styx should you anger the cat or break some other nautical law that results in your untimely demise.

Next, you must rid the boat of any flowers or bananas or umbrellas as the presence of these items are known to bring bad luck to the ship and her crew. You must also secure all mops and buckets. A sure sign of impending disaster is the loss of a mop or bucket overboard.

Your final step in preparing to sail is appeasing the Gods. Neptune and Poseidon are apparently thirsty old salts. A splash of wine on the foredeck and a shot of rum over the stern are the libations of choice and these simple offerings will win you favor and safe passage.

Now you’re ready to sail. For the most part, your own sailing skills should be sufficient, but there are a few things to remember for an optimum journey. If the wind doesn’t quite suit you, you might toss some loose change into the drink to buy some wind, or whistling it up sometimes works well too. However, there seems to be no simple recipe for how much change or how long to whistle, so it’s difficult to know if you’re summoning a light breeze or gale force winds. Use caution!

There are quite a few things you should never do aboard your vessel. Don’t look back as you’re leaving port or you might never return. Never ever throw rocks over the side of the boat or you’ll surely cause huge waves and storms. Whiskers and nails should never be trimmed while at sea. These clippings are seen as offerings to lesser Gods, by the great Gods of the sea, which offends them and is surely not an excuse to avoid grooming. Never utter the word “drown” at sea as the spoken word will invoke the actual event. Never kill a sea gull or an albatross as these birds hold the souls of dead sailors and will bring you luck and guidance on your journey. Never spit in the hold of the vessel or it will begin to take on water. Never discuss the next port or destination or you’ll likely never reach it.

Last and certainly least, it is considered very bad luck for a woman to be aboard a ship. Unless, of course, she is naked. It said a clothed woman angers the sea and a naked woman shames the sea to calmness. However, the birth of a child aboard ship is a sign of extreme good luck. How a child is to be born without a woman present is a mystery, which leads me to question the entire issue of women aboard ship. Especially since I am one and have never encountered any serious problems as a result. An issue I suppose I’ll have to take up with Neptune and Poseidon. As to the rest of these safety guidelines, if you can find a good day to sail, use caution and fair winds are sure to blow your way.

1 comment:

  1. Very funny, well-conceived. I was just looking for resources on safety afloat and this one popped up near the top of a Google search. It must be a popular hit!

    Mark Schneider
    InOneDay.ca

    ReplyDelete